Living, acting and thinking as the Bible instructs one to live, act, and think is hard.
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I make this statement in the wake of a life changing decision I have made with my wife. The decision is the result of the saving work of Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit within me. The decision is to confess my sins to those I have sinned against and bear the consequences.
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Getting married is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Unfortunately, it is shortly after my marriage when all of this begins. Now, to be clear, this has nothing to do with my wife. Being married to Lexie Linville is a surreal experience. Everything in my world still turns bright and wonderful when she is around. I love her dearly.
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During the Christmas months after our marriage in October, I was at our parent’s house in Charleston, SC when I received my grades for that previous semester. They were not good, a “D,” and a “C.”
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Now, if you look over my transcript, you wouldn’t really notice this particular semester because it actually follows the norm. I usually make D’s and C’s. This trend was confusing to my parents, and rightly so because they had always done well in school, and so had Lexie. My wife was the summa cum laude of her graduating class in college (she made only one undeserved “B”).
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Now, amazingly, they didn’t look down on me for my grades, but I knew they all wanted me to do better and I feared I wouldn’t be able to. Every semester I try to do better and every semester I end up struggling to do the same. So, In addition to feeling stupid, I also felt desperate. I realized that I had a choice to make: either drop out of school (because it was not benefiting me), or do better. Again, I resolved to do better. Deep in my heart, I also resolved to do whatever it took to do better.
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My Spring semester I made all “B’s,” a first for me in my entire academic career. I took two summer classes and made “A’s” in both, a hallmark achievement for me. This semester, if my grades came in today, I’d have only one “B” and two “A’s,” almost a complete turn around by all appearances.
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…By all appearances…
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The problem is that I’ve been cheating in these classes. Not all of them, but at least one each semester. I have been trying harder than ever before to do well, but I’ve ruined all that effort by cheating for a letter grade.
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I had good grades but my life was miserable. Since the first time I cheated (in March), I haven’t had any sort of deep spiritual communion with the Lord. I’ve tried, but to no avail. My prayers drop like lead. Studying the Bible is like swimming in concrete. I felt bored during small group and tired during church. I never even tried to share the Gospel.
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I’ve sent in my resume and more job applications than I can count. I’ve been turned down after more job interviews than I want to count. I’m continually frustrated, wary, confused, angry, restless, and depressed. In short: I have been living in unconfessed sin and God will allow it no longer. This is a sad thing to realize so late, but I Praise the Lord my eyes have been opened at all. It is more than I deserve.
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When Lexie came home yesterday, I was overflowing with grief and she could tell. I didn’t even consciously realize what the grief was from, but when she asked me if I was okay, I began confessing everything. As I confessed I suddenly felt a weight drop away from me, like John Bunyan describes in Pilgrim’s Progress. The wounds from my stay in sin stung with new pain as I realized what must now be done. I must confess this to my professors.
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What will they think of me? What will they do? Will I be kicked out of school? Do I deserve to stay in school? Should I stay in school if they let me?
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I was seeing how I had made good grades and staying in school my god, and saw in agonizing clarity how I had served it before Jesus Christ, my wife, and my responsibilities to the church body. I should have let it go back in December. Of course, the cheating started out small, but it grew. It wasn’t until this semester’s mid-term exams that I saw how bad I had become. I had become so resigned to cheating that I didn’t even study for my mid-terms. I passed them by cheating. If you’re wondering how this is possible, most of my exams have been either take-home exams or online exams.
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The days following those mid-term exams have been cold and godless. I felt “Ichabod.” I suppressed the truth within me, crying out to God for a pardon without a confession. All I said was, “please forgive me,” and all the while sensing God’s reply: “For what? Tell me.”
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This past Saturday (before any of this was realized) I memorized Heb. 10:19-25. On Sunday my church took of the Lord’s Supper. I should have passed it by because of my unconfessed sin, but I picked up the elements. Holding them in my hands the fear of God fell on me and terrified me. Before I ate and drank, I confessed to the Lord my dishonesty in school.
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The fear didn’t fade. On the way home, Lexie read to me Heb. 10:26-27 since it was the next passage I was supposed to memorize. These verses read: “For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries.” This further terrified me, but I couldn’t get myself to confess to Lexie. The thought never even entered my mind; only a terror of the Lord.
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On Monday I felt severely depressed. I assumed, as I usually did, that it was because I hadn’t got a job yet. I tried throughout the day to get my work done, but I couldn’t focus on it for more than a few minutes. Grief was exploding inside me but I couldn’t identify it. When Lexie came home from work, God opened my eyes to see what the grief was, and I simply confessed out of the overflow of my heart all the dishonesty I had practiced in school.
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It was a gift from God, because if I had thought about it, I would have been too embarrassed to tell her and too afraid of what must come next. If I had known precisely how embarrassed I would have been and how afraid I am now, there’s no way I would have ever said a word. I praise God that He caused me to speak; that in being a slave to righteousness, I could no longer be a slave to sin.
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The confessions have gone well today. I have confessed to three professors so far. There are two left. They each rebuked me in love and then forgave me, rejoicing in God’s convicting Holy Spirit. Some feel that I should continue through this semester, some think it would be wise to drop out and pursue God apart from school. For me, God has been tied into papers, tests, exams, and quizzes for so long that I feel the need to break away or I will continue to see God as an assignment to pass or fail. I have confessed all this to my church body and they agree that breaking away for a season would be best.
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It feels so good expose sin, to confess sin. I finally feel free. I can finally pray and read the Bible with deep joy in the Lord. Lexie and I are excited to see what God’s going to do next. We will keep you updated.
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